I Quit

Mom has reached a point in her illness that I can no longer help. She does not feel she is sick or needs help. She forgets to take medication and gets confused very easily. Her mood swings define insanity. Her anger is unrestrained and she is extremely abusive. She called the cops again - this time to have me forcibly removed from the home because I refuse to give her pickles.

I am now in need of therapy and medication to handle the stress from 4 years of 24/7 care of a lunatic. I know this is her illness and that's a great explanation of her behavior. It's a lovely reason to not hate her guts entirely. However, she is extremely abusive and having an explanation does not mean I need to tolerate this behavior any longer. I have bleeding ulcers, extreme anxiety, severe depression, migraines, and never sleep. I am done. I love her. I can't do this. No ONE person is designed to be able to do this. There are 24 hours in a day, and humans are expected to work for 8 hours and then have the rest of the day to rest. I have been "on" for 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, for four years (as of next week, RIP Aunt Darlene). Her abusive behavior not only makes it a difficult decision to devote my life to helping her, but it also makes it literally impossible.

There have been arguments that she is "choosing" to wither away. Like a cancer patient may choose to allow the disease to run its course and live as comfortably as possible before imminent death. This is not the case. If it were, I would be fine with giving her whatever she wishes to eat, though it would still cause a lot of problems since she no longer has the mental competency to perform necessary actions like balancing the checkbook or setting up her medication. I would still need cooperation with those things in order for us to be able to live in peace with each other. The real problem is that she is not choosing death. She does not believe she is sick and does not believe that I tell her the truth regarding her malnutrition. She forgets what the doctor said and gets confused. She thinks he tells her to lose weight but eat pickles. Neither is true. She wishes to live and says she will fight to live, and then forgets what she needs to do to get better or thinks she took her meds and didn't and argues. Her doctor has lost his patience with her and wishes to help me with this, but does not know what he can do.

I have asked every government body for help. I have asked every friend/family member for help. I get nowhere. I get nothing (except medication for my own depression, anxiety, and sleeplessness). Even her friends are so afraid of hurting her feelings that they cover (in front of cops, no less!) for her confusion so that they don't know how bad it really is. I do not think her friends realize or accept how sick she is or that their "help" is actually leading her into a coma faster. I feel all of this has been a waste of my life for the last 4 years. I have given up everything to help her, including my own health and sanity, and she is still unwittingly killing herself. It has done neither of us any good.

I will try to help her IF I get full and durable power of attorney. I need to be able to pay bills, order medication on time, speak to her insurance company, etc. I need to be able to make decisions in her best interest. I need to be able to live unafraid that helping her will cause the cops to knock on my door. This is the only way I would help her. Period.

If that does not happen, I will no longer help her. I've already stopped. It has been stated to her many, many times (though she does not remember and does not agree) that if I am not here to take care of her, she will be placed in a home. I will speak with her doctor on Monday to confirm with him that I am no longer her caregiver and he will make arrangements for her to be placed in a permanent nursing home. I wish it wasn't this way, but unless she allows me to help her, we will both die. It's time to save myself. She was the one who taught me that nobody on this planet is worth my life. If she was herself, she would have told me to get out a long time ago.