Hospital and Home

For those who don't know, Mom was admitted to the hospital monday through the ER. Technically, it was for "altered mental status." This is the third time in less than a year. Aft this point, she didn't even make it four months before being hospitalized again.

Lab tests showed her potassium level around 2.8, which is low enough for a heart attack. They also found that she had applied two fentanyl patches, which could have killed her. Her GI believes (and I agree) that her xanax triggers HE episodes and exacerbates her liver condition.

They gave her potassium and monitored her meds, making sure she takes her kristalose. Her potassium level is back to normal and she is *mostly* back to herself. That means her ammonia level is coming back down, but we've observed that her xanax causes her to become groggy, then seriously grouchy and straight up hostile. She was back to her pleasant self today, but after her xanax nap, she started getting angry at me and threatening again. It was also sundown, and I think sundowner's does play a role.

The doctor plans on releasing Mom tomorrow, as long as her labs are normal. We're trying to work with a social worker. I'm demanding medication management and money management (if she won't let me do it, *someone* has to protect her. Otherwise, we're just going to come back after she takes too many pills or puts on too many patches again. This cycle will repeat until her luck runs out. I don't know how much longer every doctor, social worker, physiologist, insurance home health care aid, etc, can pass the buck and expect this woman to survive. I'm so tired of this crap I can't see straight.

Hoping for a brighter tomorrow!

Dread

I've been wandering around today, trying to figure out what to do, how to help, how to feel. It's hard to focus, hard to plan. I feel the crushing weight of the inevitable.
I feel like there's been a cave in. We are trapped, have already screamed for help. Our throats are hoarse and the air is thin. I feel like we are just waiting for the oxygen to run out.
Dread. I feel dread. Finally found the word that fits the feeling.

Honestly, that sucks. I'm making calls tomorrow. I'm taking mom to the doctor and we will sit there until they do something useful or forcibly remove us. I'm going to call the resource the mpd gave me and see if they can do anything. I'm going to call ALF and see if they have an educational program for emergency response teams to recognize liver disorders and hepatic encephalopathy. I'm going to take care of mom and plan for this to not happen to someone else's daughter.
It's 3:30 am, I'm exhausted, and I just decided to take on the concept of an entirely unknown and misunderstood class of illnesses. So maybe bed first, before all the ass kicking.

The Neverending Day

Mom just keeps getting worse by the day.
Yesterday, she couldn't stay awake for more than five seconds. She slurred all her words. She feel asleep on the toilet again. I asked her how she felt, but she was non-responsive. She just stared at me. This is going to get worse, and I don't know if it'll get better afterward.
I called the EMT's. They came - she was still on the toilet, forty minutes later. She screamed at them that she was okay and to get the expletive out of her house. They obliged, saying, "when she passes out, call us back." When she passes out, it'll be a coma, and there will be no waking up.
I moved her sedative medications from her bedside to the kitchen. I'm afraid she's taking too many pain killers and she seems to be confused about what her sleeping pills are for. She was also warned several times about taking all three at once, but I think she still does it without thinking, which continues to her foggy mental state. She demanded her meds back. I refused. She called the cops (after a struggle to figure out how to use the phone). They came, we all talked, and they gave me a pamphlet on a program for caregivers that they said could help. They said it was clear that this is a medical issue and that I didn't actually take her meds anyway. They even declined to tell her that the meds were on the kitchen bar. Mom now thinks I have "buddies" on the force.
It's so odd, the way she carries a conversation. She threatens to kick me out, then asks if we can "talk it out", then demands something that doesn't make sense, some gibberish (ex: she said she knows that I think she's addicted to door knockers), then gives me thirty days to move, then a week, then asks me to figure out how to use her cell...at one point she said she was going to break my door down (which was unnecessary because I was in the living room and my bedroom door was open), and that she was going to call the cops to tell them that she'll break down the aforementioned door, and she'd call them until I'm "blue in the face." There was such an internal struggle. She was nice, then threatening, then sweet and aggressive, then confused and angry and asking for help. She said that she felt I had stopped loving her because I've been giving her things she isn't supposed to have (i.e. restaurant food, fast food). She found her meds near the end of the night, asked me when I gave them back, and refused to believe that they were there the whole time. I prayed she'd wake in the morning, but I really felt like tackling those sedatives away from her.
She woke today around 8am, asked if I was moving out, then went back to bed. She's been just as sleepy, but today...she's wandering. She's lost. She said she felt weird and asked if I would take her to the hospital later if she didn't feel better. She didn't, but I asked every few hours if she felt she needed to be in the hospital. She said she knows she needs to go, but she's scared, and made me promise that I wouldn't let her go without meds and go into withdrawal seizures again if she went into the hospital. She kept stalling, saying she'd give it more time to feel better.
She took her regular meds at the wrong times again. I think she gets the alarm confused with the cell phone; she takes pills in response to a ringtone. She said she feels stupid and that she doesn't understand how it keeps happening. She said that if this keeps happening (I think she was referring to the confusion and forgetfulness), that she was going to take herself out.
Logan came over, spent just a minute with her, and left to get his daughter. I worry about what she may have said. Maybe he really was just in a hurry, but he never rushes the way he did tonight. Practically ran out.
After Logan left, she decided she was feeling okay and didn't need a hospital. She hasn't eaten since this morning. She's starving, but won't eat anything I give her. She gives it back, says she's hungry and needs to find food, stares in the fridge, then wanders. It took her twenty minutes to put ice in her water jug, then tried to put two lids on the jug. This is not okay.
I'll be calling her doctors in the morning.

The Giveaway, Take Two

Okay, third time's the charm for the blog? Maybe? Maybe not? Let's see!

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Soap Sock Giveaway...Hopefully...

I'm trying out a new app to be able to have promos and giveaways on facebook. This is the test run. Win a soap sock! Every like/share is an entry. Thanks!

http://bit.ly/14gF1rb

And she fell again...

That giant thunk I just heard was Mom falling face-first into her shower. She said her legs gave out because she couldn't feel them. My thought is that she fell asleep on the, um, throne, and not all of her woke up. Doesn't look like she broke any bones, but I'll see how she behaves in the morning.

We will, however, be needing another shower curtain rod. Somehow she not only bent, but ripped the metal bar.

Deep Sleep

I think I figured out why Mom has been exhibiting HE behaviors - she has been taking neurontin after the doc told her to stop. He prescribed it as a sleep aid, to kill the fibro pain to allow her to sleep. She has been using it far more than that. As PRN meds are one of her independently-controlled things, I have no clue how much or how often she takes it. Now she can't find the bottle. Oy. 

Trying to convince her to stop taking it is difficult. It means sleep and less pain. It also means that it compromises her cognitive function, which is both why I want her to stop and another reason she doesn't understand why I would want her to stop. It doesn't appear to help her pain, but exacerbates her tardive dyskinesia (the restless leg, tremors in the hands, involuntary muscle movements). It really messes with her mind, and I think it makes her HE worse. I think this is one of those meds that her liver can't clean up after, and those toxins stay in her system and sit on her brain like a cloud blocks the sun. 

Almost Human

Oh, how I've missed having a real computer! I finally figured out how to fix the laptop...sort of. The screen is still broken, so I've hooked it up to another monitor, which flashes pink sometimes...and I can't store *too much* on this thing because Windows is taking up so much of the memory and there's still some kind of funk causing a lag/freeze thing occasionally...but it's up, it's working, I'm online and typing and was able to fiddle with the blog layout, the store look, and all sorts of other shiny new things, so it's all good. Did I mention I'm on tumblr now, too? Yup, under yarnsmithamber, of course. One of these days, I'll break and have a pintrest, too, but for now, I outright refuse to become addicted to one more site. Tumblr is just because people are on it. Google+, too (same name). 

Trying to be everywhere at once is exhausting. Tomorrow, I shall upload FO's to Ravelry like a mad woman, create a zillion online ads for the businesses, menus for Seraphim, and oh, so much more. And without the stinky public library where the computers freeze with old browsers and the old dudes get on their cell phones and the young kids listen to music way too loud for a library. Sigh. I am content. Tired, but content.

Come ON!!

WHY OH WHY won't doctors pull their heads out of the sand and give me the legal rights to mom's affairs??

I just helped her with the tv remote, as she kept using the channel button instead of the volume button, and the number 2 instead of favorites. She also still believes the tv is broken as it "goes into Chinese" when she changed it to Spanish-speaking channels. She means Spanish, but isn't that even more reason to help her?!

I also helped her dial the phone to call the bank to check her balance. She kept dialing the account number at the bottom of the checks. OH MY GAWD. It took me another five minutes to explain that you need to use phone numbers for phones, and I don't think she got it. 

One Night Stand Fundraiser Update!!

OCTOBER 27th!!! How's that date for the One Stand Fundraiser?? Thoughts?
This is the only available weekend day available in Old Town Temecula in October. Moving dates means moving the venue out of OTT Courtyard. #fundraising #alf #art

[Insert Title Here]

Finally got the X-rays and ultrasound the doc wanted (for me, not Mom). Mom woke with a migraine and rescheduled her appointment with the new therapist. She is resting and groaning in pain and can't seem to wake up today. 

I think I figured out why mom has been so much worse lately. Yesterday during her pain clinic appointment, she said she has been taking neurontin. She told me she stopped three weeks ago. The pain doc said it could mess with cognitive function. He suggested stopping it, and I told mom to stop, but she is so confused I think I have to take the bottle from her room. At least it is a better explanation - easier fix - than rampant HE. Take the good when it comes. 

=(

Mom is on the phone with Verizon, explaining to them that her tv keeps "going in Spanish." What's really happening is that she is turning the channel to Spanish stations on accident, either by pressing the wrong buttons or by holding them down (so channel 2 gets changes to 22). 

This would be hilarious and one of those things I laugh at, if it weren't the third time this week and she wasn't showing a ton if other signs of completely losing her cognitive function. It's scary to see her dementia get worse. I am not enjoying this. Could also be the night terrors I had last night had to do with mom losing her mind entirely. Wrong dream to come true! 

Prayers are so incredibly welcome, I'm begging for them. 

Look Out Dr. C!

Mom's in super-dragon mode. I neglected to bring her ice water (though she had water and isn't supposed to drink cold liquids while eating), so she screamed bloody murder and told me I'm not "in G-d's life" and that I'm a phony for watching services and then not doing anything for G-d the rest of the week. She made her throat hoarse from screaming. 

My meds are working! I had a thought this morning that my anti-depressants and sleeping pills are really just to handle my mother's illness. If so, does that make them like vaccines for crazy? So I don't catch her insanity, which could be very contagious? See? Sense of humor and I'm not all weepy or taking her screaming to heart, especially considering that my conversion to Judaism is such a touchy subject to the dementia'ed out Mama. Good advice from my great therapist and good meds make this just a tad easier. :)

Of course, the ill peeps in the waiting room at her urologist's office don't have that advice or those meds, so....good luck. 

The Joys of Codependency

I was cleaning my room (which I had neglected so long that stuff on the floor was starting to learn our language), and mom came in and laughed at my cleaning efforts - and something to do with me crawling around the floor and sticking my butt in the air to get stuff under the furniture. I told her I'd have to stop and take a break after taking out the trash, as my back can only handle so much. She said no; she required sandwiches. I was denied a break, but she kept talking and following me around the house like a puppy as I put various things where they belong (i.e. not under the bed). After about 15 minutes of conversation and joking, I was done and ready for my break. Again, she told me no. I asked her why she can follow me around and stay walking and standing for so long, yet be unable to make peanut butter and jelly sammiches. She said she wore herself out by following me and talking. She said she'd have to lay down, and after some debate on whether I was starting a fight or not, she screamed that she'll starve to death and stormed into her room. 

I brought her everything she needed to make her sandwiches, and left it with her. 

She is soooo pissed. I'm sorry, but that that's funny. She can't stand to do anything for herself anymore. Some families have to kick out their drug-addicted kid or criminal element sibling to show some tough love. My family makes you make your own pb & j.