New Direction!

The short version:
1) Seeking conservatorship over Mom's medical and financial affairs.
2) She is scared, confused, very stressed, and has lost another 9 lbs in about as many days.
3) We don't see the liver doctor until late April. We will confer with him in regards to getting her a feeding tube.
4) Mom brought in a caregiver, but after one visit has decided we can't afford it. She will fire the lady this week, after her second visit.
5) Found many websites to order low/no-sodium alternatives or blends of foods she loves (like no salt added ketchup and tomato sauce). Pretty cheap, too.
6) APS came out to the house. Turns out they are neither protective, nor a service (and the social worker was rather childish to boot).

The LOOOOOONG version:
1) I'm getting help with this process, which is complicated and difficult to do by yourself. I want what's best for Mom and this is it. This is the way for a better, more positive future for both of us. More care for her and less stress on myself. I wish I could say it was my idea, but I thought it wasn't possible because of how her mind comes and goes. It was suggested by someone who loves her enough to say "I'd rather have her hate me and be alive than watch her die because I'm afraid to make her angry." Mom needs serious help paying the bills and making sound financial and medical decisions. She doesn't utilize the help available to her because she doesn't understand what's offered. For instance, she refuses to get on MediCal. Sometimes she remembers someone telling her that her share of cost each month would be more than her house payment and she would have to sell the house first. Sometimes she thinks that they will force her to sell the house and shove her in a home. Her fear of MediCal cuts off a LOT of support for both of us. We simply can't keep going this way. It doesn't work. So instead of giving up (as my last post stated), I've simply quit living the way I did before - where I merely enabled her illness with zero control to manage it reasonably and realistically meet her needs and mine. I'm very relieved and damn near excited about this. I've already made serious changes to the house - no more hoarding! I'm allowing Mom to go through her stuff before I get rid of it. I won't clear out everything she loves, but I'm not allowing her to keep hanging on to work clothes and work shoes (can you see her strutting in high heels anymore?) and cram the dining room full of stuff she never uses or needs. Progress!
2) She can't seem to finish sentences at all. She starts, stutters, and starts another sentence regarding a completely different topic, and stutters again, repeat...Her memory is very poor and she's overwhelmed by the idea of a conservatorship and everything going on. The washer broke, her toilet runs like a hose (our bill is now $100, up from $30), she attempted to read the Medicare options book and couldn't calm down enough to read...This morning she panicked because she said she's starving and needed food right away and said she's dying in two weeks. She saw a psychiatrist last night, and he told her to stop taking her sleeping pills and anxiety meds, so she didn't sleep last night and is freaking out all over the place. Keeping her calm is a struggle.
3) She suddenly freaked out March 2nd and realized she's "starving to death RIGHT NOW" and had to go to the ER. She normally says no when I ask her to go in, so even though it was a silly sort of visit, I took her in. She wouldn't call 911 because she's was too scared to go in without me. They said she was a little dehydrated but they couldn't do any more for her there; it's a chronic problem, but not for the ER. They took a head CT to rule out head trauma (she was confused and stuttering...showing her signs of HE) and it was negative for trauma. She misunderstood and thought that meant she was competent. We now have a standing order at the lab for her ammonia levels. We plan to take her in every Friday. The doc wants to adjust her lactulose and water pills according to her ammonia level and if she becomes dehydrated. It's a lovely plan, but I still can't get her doctor to look at the test results from last Friday to tell me how to adjust the meds. Weekly blood tests don't do anyone any good if nobody looks at them.
4) The caregiver came out on one of Mom's "good" days - where her stories almost make sense unless you try to verify facts and realize it didn't happen the way she thought it did, or when she thought it did, or who said what and why. She initially believed Mom's delusions. It was rather vindicating when she showed up yesterday to cook Mom food and had the most difficult time explaining to Mom what she was doing, repeating herself because Mom would ask the same questions or raise the same issues every five seconds and forget again, and trying to follow Mom's speech as she never finishes sentences. The first half comes out stuttering and the second half is a new beginning to a new sentence regarding a different topic. Mom was very anxious and incomprehensible. She now sees what everyone else does, and is much much nicer to me. I'm sure she's questioning those delusions now! Unfortunately, Mom thinks she can't afford the caregiver, so when she comes Thursday, she plans to fire her. We could afford her if we streamlined the bills and actually budget the money. We could even afford more if I can get out and get a job. Affording a caregiver and managing Mom's bills reasonably is the entire reason I need conservatorship. She still thinks she doesn't need care and can do everything on her own. It's very clear that she can't anymore.
5) Mom's REALLY trying to stay on her diet! Woohoo! She's trying so hard to gain weight and keep under 1000mg salt/day. Her friend brought her pickles the day she called the cops, but she hasn't opened them. She still thinks she needs to watch calories and spoke with a nutritionist today, which confused her greatly. The nutritionist clearly didn't pay attention to the sodium limit (I'm thinking Mom didn't tell her about it), because she came back with a diabetic diet that included pickles and boullion as "free foods". Mom said she had to buy a lot of dry cereal, but much of that is too high in salt. Even Cheerios is 190mg per 3/4 cup...add milk to that at 125mg per 1/2 cup and you have breakfast at 305mg...a third of her daily intake. And she has 8 meals listed each day. This would bring her way over her limit. I'm sure there was a miscommunication somewhere, but since I'm not conservator, the HIPAA laws restrict the nutritionist to talk to me. Are you catching a theme yet?
6) APS was totally useless. The worker came out the same day as the caregiver - on Mom's "good" day. I was terrified to call APS, because I thought for sure they'd shove her in a home, and the depression she'd have over missing her bed and her dogs would be devastating. She'd give up and let herself die in a home. But this worker wasn't working in Mom's best interest. I was really hoping she would help, but she believed Mom's delusions and didn't want to talk to me. She also refused to see evidence I have of Mom's incompetency. I couldn't believe it! How do you "investigate" anything if you refuse to look at EVIDENCE? I asked her to speak with Mom's sister and friends, who've also witnessed her comprehension and memory problems, but she didn't seem interested in calling anyone. I guess I have nothing to fear from her - she's useless and incapable of helping anyone. She stated that APS was a "reference and referral service ONLY" and had no ability to act. She was rude and arrogant. She decided that Mom was "fine" and didn't need conservatorship. Where was that "investigating" again? She said she's seen hundreds of these cases and Mom is very clear headed. I told her she's wrong and maybe she should talk to her doctor. I told her that everyone else (doctors, family, friends, strangers even!) see this, but somehow she doesn't. She wouldn't open her eyes and was merely indignant about Mom's right being taken away. I understand being protective and Mom being angry, but the worker is supposed to recognize behavior and symptoms and listen to all points of view before deciding anything, and this woman made up her mind in 20 minutes in Mom's bedroom with no factual evidence and only Mom's statement to go on. Very disappointing. I wish we had the same worker that came out the last time. She was respectful and kind and actually wanted to help Mom. The new worker doesn't understand her job description. It doesn't include being a jerk to the caregiver! *I* know I've done right by my Mom and that her delusions are just that - part of her illness. I no longer feel the need to constantly defend myself, even from Mom. It's a lot calmer in the house these days. I simply don't engage in fighting with her and when she accuses me of something I didn't do, I don't fight it. I don't defend myself. I just say "ok" and move on. Sometimes I do explain or tell her I disagree, but I tell her it's okay if we disagree. I've been hugging her more, especially when she's scared and freaking out. I have to be careful, because her body hurts and sometimes touching like hugging is painful. No bear hugs! She's admitting more and more when she can't handle things or when she's too confused or overwhelmed to accomplish a task. Imagine how much less stress she would be under if she wasn't the one making those complicated decisions and her care needs were met without her having to think about it!