Weepers
There are not words to accurately express the jumbled emotions that come with this situation. To watch your mother deteriorate in body and mind is nothing I wish on anyone in this world. Above all, I understand the need to release negative feelings - fear, depression, frustration, hostility - in such a way that it does not land on the people around you that you love most, including the woman at the center of the emotional turmoil. I also understand that I am not the only one feeling some of these things. Here is where you can vent all your fears and tears. (Remember that you can post anonymously, and I encourage honesty for your own relief, but outright hatred or harassment will not be posted.)
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Her confusion scares me. I know we will reach a critical point where I can't care for her anymore at home by myself, and I know she doesn't think she's sick. The denial means she won't let me get help and won't want to go into a facility, and I KNOW I can't handle it when it gets that bad. I can't keep up with her as it is. I am in over my head and sometimes it catches up with me.
ReplyDeleteNobody reads this anyway, but today is a day I realize that having so many people give half-assed support doesn't actually help anything. In fact, some family/friends actually hurt when they encourage or even provide ways for her to get worse. She looks eight months pregnant and probably has to be tapped, and certain members of her friends and family keep giving her food high in salt. I hate being the bad guy, and this mother/daughter responsibility swap isn't fun at all, yet I'm expected to pull it off. I have to do what I feel is right, and so do they. I just don't see how giving someone in her condition the very foods the doctor tells her to avoid, and contributing to her having to be tapped, and finding ways to undermine the doctors orders would be the right thing to do. I wish people who didn't help would just go away instead. It's sabotage.
ReplyDeleteI CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE!!! She is SO MEAN ALL THE TIME. It NEVER ENDS! Logically, I know it's the illness, but how do you not take it personally when you're the one she blames? I caught her on the phone today LYING to another friend of hers and spreading more rumors about me. Nice. She told her friend that I starve her and only feed her what *I* want to feed her. ARE YOU FRIGGIN KIDDING ME!?! Who stopped helping a friend yesterday to run around town getting your favorite pizza 'cause you had a craving? Who cooked you grilled cheese this morning as you asked for? Who was that? Oh yeah, it was ME. ME who helped you shower this morning. ME who fed you. ME who makes your doctors appointments and cleans up your many many messes and climbs over dog gates to get ice for YOU. She's threatening me constantly again - always threatening to kick me out or call the cops again. That poor cop was so annoyed at the last call....if she does call them again they will probably arrest her for pissing them off. The doctor yelled at her at the last visit for her damn pickles, but what does she STILL think she's allowed to eat? PICKLES! I swear to God, if I could find the guy responsible for the mass marketing of pickles, I would banish him to some remote island that Napoleon couldn't find. The kind of island in the movies with sirens and goblins and torture. He should be forced to eat pickles for the rest of his life. I can't believe my mother is literally dying because of her obsession with pickles. That's so incredibly disgusting. She raised me to be better than that....I don't know what to do with her anymore. I just know I'm six seconds from quitting altogether. This isn't fair to do to a human, and though I no longer feel like one (and Lord knows she doesn't treat me like one), I'm pretty sure I legally qualify as human. I'm too tired of trying to help people who don't appreciate it and treat me like their own personal punching bag to boot, and then tell people what a horrible person I am. If I'm so horrible, then find someone else to take care of you. I'm so tired of this abuse. "She's sick" is no longer an excuse - and quite frankly, it never was.
ReplyDeleteI was recently informed that someone opposed the idea of conservatorship. While I understand and respect their opinion, I strongly disagree that when she's in an episode, she doesn't need it. I think this person's opinion is based on virtually nothing, considering there's very little time spent between them and this person is not involved in any of her care or informed by doctors. There's a lot of that in my family - opinions based on nothing. I'm accustomed to it. What pissed me off is how this person spoke to me. The tone was as if I should change my mind because this person doesn't want me to do it, and also suggestive that I would take advantage and run off with my mother's money. I made the decision to seek conservatorship based on education of her illness and conditions, a lot of hard thought and soul-searching, doctor's opinions, professional opinions (like APS, hospice, social workers, etc), and other family and friends telling me this is necessary. The idea that I would change my mind because one person decided it was unnecessary because that person knows everything there is to know in the world is extraordinarily arrogant and preposterous. It is offensive and heart-breaking that my own family would think I would take advantage of my mother. I know we don't talk, and we don't know each other well, but my mother raised me better than that, and I would hope that my actions speak louder than Mom's ill-conceived notions and paranoia about my intentions. If I wanted to take advantage of her, I could've 100x over by now. If I wanted to leave her in a lurch and have her fend for herself, I would have. I have been by her, even though she drives me completely batty at times (and even through my period of caregiver burnout, if you read the above posts), and have not left, and have not stopped caring for her, and have been the ONLY one caring for her for so long. How does this not tell a person about my character? How does this say I would EVER take advantage of my mother, who worked so hard while I was growing up to take care of myself and my brother by herself? How could I take advantage of someone who worked so hard to make ME happy and try to provide ME with a life better than her own? I did try to explain that they should witness an episode before making an uneducated decision, and then they can decide for themselves, but the arrogance won on that front as well. I'm utterly disappointed in this person's opinion. I'm not sure if I'm more disappointed that they would think so poorly of my character and morality, or if I'm more disappointed in that they would let their family member suffer from illness and not receive the help she needs simply because they are too closed-minded to figure out what's really going on. I thought better of this person. But I guess nobody's perfect, so after this bit of venting, I'm letting it go. There's no need for me to hang on to this negativity or waste energy on it. I have positive changes and more and more support from others (family, friends, and doctors) who HAVE witnessed Mom's episodes and HAVE been around to see what happens, and DO pay attention to doctor's reports and blood results. And these are the people who help us through the hard times and encourage us through the good times. That's what's truly helpful, and really a blessing for us. I'm grateful for those have stood by us and supported us through this and who will stick with us in the future, whether good or bad. I have a hundred loads of laundry and lots of cooking to do before I start my new job tomorrow, so I'm off to do that, and focus on the positive!
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