Very Slow Progress

So far, Mom's making progress. It's extremely slow, but it's progress. She still has extreme panic attacks and weeps about things like what I'm going to do after she passes, and how she thinks G-d is punishing her by making her suffer, and how I should go live my own life and not have to take care of her. She keeps saying she tried to give my brother and I a better life than she had. She did, but right now her depression is so deep that she can't see anything positive about herself.

The buspar seems to be doing it's job. The panic attacks are shorter and starting to be less severe. She still can't handle being alone for very long, and even though her throat is sore and she's exhausted of talking, she can't stop talking and can't stand not being a part of a conversation. I think this is the other side of "catatonic." I learned in the NAMI class that catatonic doesn't just refer to someone who pretends to be a statue. It's a continuous behavior - whether that's statue-posturing or pacing or babbling. Mom's catatonic. She was able to be alone for about 2 hours today, and that was pretty good. She's going to have a hard time next week, because I have a temp job lined up and it's full-time. The timing isn't great for Mom, but we need the money to keep the caregiver here, and my wages will pay for almost 3 weeks of caregiving. I hope she can handle being by herself. I wish she had a phone buddy. Someone to babble to. Everyone seems to be sick or busy or not want to talk to her right now because of her negativity. I've found that if I ask a random question off-topic, she'll forget about whatever triggered her into a negative thought loop and babble about something else. I can keep her talking and positive (or at least neutral) for a good amount of time. The good news is that she's able to take her meds by herself (her 4 boxes of maintenance meds), and she is taking her kristalose on her own. She just needs to be reminded sometimes and needs to be taking more kristalose than she is right now to get her head clear.

I met some people today that should be able to help me grow the business side of things. Some amazing artists and talented people who are trying to help their families as well. It sounds like the upcoming holidays are too close for us to do too much for them, but we do have two shows lined up, and we'd be able to plan things for the post-holiday season. It would be wonderful to grow Fibered Life, help raise money for Mom's caregiving expenses, help raise awareness of HE, and help local businesses with the same integrity all in one shot. I also tried adding this blog to the Fibered Life facebook page, so we'll see how well I can operate and app. I have a degree in biology, can remove animal caps from xenopus laevis embryos, can synthesize RNA plasmids in bacteria, can master the zoo we have, can be a caregiver for a woman who's not in her right mind (not through her own fault), and play in yarn, but I'm learning more about html/css coding and internet applications than I ever did in college.

I have to get some inventory done this weekend, as well as some cleaning/organizing so that I don't have to worry about it during the working week and won't feel rushed for next weekend's show. I'm hoping to get the family to call or record their birthday wishes this week so that I can put together her birthday vid soon. The big day is the 19th, so we have to hurry it up! Show Mom the love! :)