Monster day!

Mom is in special monster-HE mode today. I draw lines at putting up with such behavior, but I also have to be understanding that it's part of the illness and she has less control over it at times. The trick is basically to ignore the hostility as if she's nice and spend as little time as possible around her without jeopardizing her safety. How can you tell if Mom's monster is loose and attacking the village?

Perfect example conversation as follows:

Me: Can you hold this? [it was a cap to her bedside bag...I was changing her cath bag to leave the house.]
Mom: I'm not STUPID Amber!
Me: Yeah, I didn't say you were...can you chill, cause you're all kinds of pissy.
Mom: You know what?? [F*%k] you and the cloud you rode in on!"
Me: I thought it was "horse"...
Mom: Well you always have to be different.
Me: Fair enough then.

She also decided that I should be punished, so I'm not allowed to sit in on her appointment today. It's a boring and long wait, because she just has to lay there for some time and do nothing, so I sit keep in and keep her company. Not today. I'm not allowed. I doubt she realizes that I only sit in for her sake, and that I could just as easily (and preferably) knit in the waiting room as opposed to talking to her and not looking up considering that it's a bladder treatment at the urologist and I'm really, really okay with not seeing my mom's who-ha. Sometimes she apologizes later, like she did yesterday. She was very anxious and it made her very angry, and she took it out on me. Other times, she doesn't even remember being such a jerk to me. Sometimes, she remembers being angry, but she feels justified in all her twisted actions, like an abusive husband would say, "I wouldn't have hit you if you didn't make me so angry." The hardest part is deciphering if it's the HE, anxiety, legitimate, or someone else got under her skin. We all have bad days and grumpy days, but some of hers aren't the same kind of grumpy, and she has more bad days when her ammonia is raised. I try, but I'm only human, and it's hard to consistently be a patient and compliant punching bag. I tend to lump all reasons together and just say it's a monster day and avoid actual conversation and let her bitter commentary roll off my back. And I knit. Cheaper than therapy (yes, M, I want that bag).

Today is a knitting day.
Tomorrow is a show in Aguanga! I'd tell you where, but I don't know the address yet. Ha!

The really sad part is that today isn't so bad. Just a cursing mouth, unwelcome insults, walking separately from me, telling strangers how horrible I am...mostly verbal. She hasn't thrown anything, hasn't stolen my mail, hasn't called the cops or threatened to kick me out. When you lower your expectations regarding how a human should treat you, it's not so bad. =P